Hey there, Plotaholics. Bryan here, and right now I have the pleasure (?) of giving you my thoughts on the new trailer for the 9th film in the Fast and the Furious series…F9? Furious 9? All Kinds of Crazy Stuff Number 10, Technically, but Really 9 Because the Last One Was a Spinoff? The trailer giving us the first glimpse at the next installment in the series dropped on Friday.
I watched this trailer and I knew there was going to be some insanity going on. It’s a Fast and the Furious movie. It’s a franchise that blends Michael Bay’s penchant for explosions being plot devices with Saturday Morning cartoon physics, professional wrestling from the 1980s, Vin Diesel’s voice, and the over-arching theme of family. However when I watched this trailer, my mind exploded from a serious case of what-in-the-hell-did-I-just-see.
First, this trailer commits Tann’s Cardinal Sin Number 1 for Movie Trailers: It reveals the entire plot!
Now we knew that John Cena was going to be taking Dwayne Johnson’s place in this movie as the only actor in Hollywood that could look bigger than Vin Diesel. I knew Cena wouldn’t be a good guy because there’s only room for one slab-of-muscle good guy on Dom’s team. Also, I was right about an additional twist (DUM DUM DUUUUUUUUM!). Cena plays Dom Toretto’s long, lost little brother.
Oh, and he’s working for Cypher.
No, not Joe Pantaliano. Charlize Theron.
So now Team Toretto has to go after Team Cypher/Toretto for reasons. But now, with another amazing twist (DUM DUM DUUUUUUUUUM!) Han is alive. I swear…this better not be some long lost brother because one in a film is BS. Two is outright ‘Why?’!
And the part that REALLY got me. Car spelunking. Or cliff running. I don’t know what the actual term is. But it beyond defies the laws of physics, gravity, and reason.
This franchise is built on absurd action. In the original film, when Dom Toretto was in a car accident and walked away with just a broke arm, I accepted it. When Vince was shot essentially at close range with a shotgun and didn’t immediately bleed out, I said ‘okay’. In the second film when Brian and Roman Dukes-of-Hazarded a car onto a boat and didn’t die, I took it at face value. In the third film when the Home Improvement kid nor redneck Brian died when a car hit a piece of concrete at 100 mph, I shrugged. Even when Dom flew through the air to catch Letty in part 5, when the team covered Dom during an explosion in their cars, or Dom beat a guy in a ‘Cuban Mile’ race with the car falling apart…I accepted it.
The point is, I’ve accepted a lot from this franchise. A car cliff running is where I draw the line.
So watch this trailer at the risk of your brain cells. When the movie comes out? Eh, it can’t kill you to go see it, I guess. It’s only your mind and your money. We have gone to the movies to see sillier things, I suppose. But honestly, this trailer is a 5-shot trailer. To be able to fully swallow this crap? Yeah, I need to be completely in the thralls of alcohol poisoning. And maybe the coronavirus.